Now That It's Almost Thanksgiving, Man Thinks It's Still Halloween

And all day Wednesday, he thought it was Thursday.

Almost time to eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie, and Franklin Robertson still thinks and believes it to be Halloween time.

Soon it will be Christmas and Robertson will think it is Thanksgiving.

He was dressed up in his Halloween costume tonight, waiting for the big party, hoping to see girls in cheerleader outfits and dressed as sexy pirates.

Meantime he had his old-school beer drinking hat on from the 80s, with the cans of beer on his head and the tubes in his mouth, drinking down the smooth and frothy suds.

iantmcfarland, Flickr. Some Rights Reserved.

Git yer beer hats!

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Man is Really Tired of You Kids Lolly-gaggin'

Man in Connecticut is really tired of you kids lolly-gaggin'. Here is his full statement at a recent press conference in New Haven:

"What in tarnation?! What in the name of all that's good and holy?! For cryin' out loud! Heaven's to mergatroid! Shucks! Wake up and die right!"

At some point the man got up and put on his dusty old hat and claimed he was fed up with these darn kids.

"For Pete's sake! Gee willikers, anyway! Darnit to heck!"

Shocked at his unbridled display of anger, the crowd at the press conference dispersed when the man broke out the verbal Big Guns.

"What in Sam Hill is the matter with you kids?!"

After the press conference, the man fill his pipe and smoked a little tabackie and started the coffee pot to perkalatin'.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/kenlund/

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Man Kills Himself After Facebook Makes Another Change on Timeline

Sick of the constant changes on Facebook and unable to cope with the new format, Hank Sinberg killed himself Friday.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/charleskremenak/

Wife of 3 1/2 months, June Sinberg, said Hank went into a deep depression last time the Social Media giant made changes to the profiles and feed.

"He hated change, and he hated learning new things." she said proudly.

It turns out Hank has been divorced seven times and only met June about 4 months ago.

His widow currently runs Hank's Facebook profile, and takes donations on her new website to help pay for dog food and make up.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cliche/

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Why Are Squirrels So Horrible?

Yep. Evil.

So, what is it about squirrels? Why are they so horrible? We all know that they are, but hardly anyone will seriously answer the question as to why they are so horrendous. I will tackle this issue with precision and timing.


They Only Eat Nuts

Yep. Only nuts. That's dumb. Why? Because I can't see why they can't have a Cheeto Cheese Puff once in awhile.

Is that all you want your diet to be? One thing? Just pork chops? Doesn't make sense.

Dark and sinister, you just can't trust them.

 

They practically live in trees

Not all the time, but much of the time they are in the trees. They come down out of there periodically to beg for food. Which is another reason they're worthless. They aren't productive and all they do is eat...nuts.

I know what you are thinking: Well, other animals live in trees.

Like monkeys.

Well, monkeys don't just eat nuts, so figure that one out.

They Fight Too Much

I've seen it. They chase another squirrel around a tree, looking stupid, and none of us know why they're doing it.

They Don't Care About You

They're not much help. I was moving my friend's couch the other day, and the squirrels at the apartment complex didn't do anything but crack their nuts.

I've been taking care of my aging Mom too, and the squirrels do nothing.

Worthless.

Do I Have a Point?

Yes, I do.

I hate squirrels.

I don't really care if you think they're cute. You like their tails, the way they demolish nutshells, and you like watching them jump from the trees.

Big deal.

I don't like them.

They're losers.

I really don't need to explain it to anybody.

 

Why Is He Harassing This Snake? Can You Tell Me That?

 

 

    

Squirrel Poll

Squirrels are

• Dumb
• Stupid
• Losers
  

                

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Ted Nugent Praised as Greatest Comedian on the Scene

The nation is in awe of the great comedy of former rocker Ted Nugent.

"That's what he does, right? Comedy?" asked devoted and recent fan, Joey Briswell.

His most recent antic was at the State of the Union address, refusing to stand in support of troops abroad and later claiming it was because of his bad knees.

"Classic stuff!" exclaimed Nugent lover, Maureen Daudling. "I mean, the guy who makes excuses for everything! Love that schtick!"

While he has all appearances of being wacky and cornball, a total wing-nut, people are praising him for his political satire.

"He wants to kill everybody! Funny stuff!" Joey praises.

The last time the nation exploded in uproarious laughter at one of his major comedy routines was when he had an outburst directed at a news reporter and later blamed it on kidney stones.

"Just hilarious! Blaming his mental problems on physical ailments! It doesn't get any better than that!" Maureen chuckled.

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Because It's Valentine's Day Woman Who Usually Snubs Guys Has Decided to Be Open to Them

Though she has made it a practice to degrade and judge men who are interested in her, routinely giving them snotty glares and the brush-off, following the marketing and holiday tradition, she has decided to be open to guys who are interested in her on Valentine's Day.

"It was really a surprise. I smiled at her and usually she gives me that look of hate and looks away, but today she smiled back and said Hi," says Frank, one of her college classmates.

She wore red today, a rather seductive short dress and bright high heels. Unavoidably, many men noticed her and when they did, this time around she smiled and winked.

Some have speculated that she really just wants to get laid, and that most women do on Valentine's Day. While detractors claim that she usually feels that way, meaning she usually wants to get laid, but is acutely aware of a cultural taboo against it. However, the men who have been interested in her for years are grateful that she seems to have made a complete recovery from her harsh and alienating ways. What they seem unaware of is that after Valentine's Day, she reverts back to judging and snubbing them and the cycle continues again.

At press time, she got a date with Frank, who has already picked out a box of candy and flowers, while she has already put on her red lace panties, and they are going out to dinner.

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lifeofvictoria/

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Man in Small Town Realizes It's Not Him, It's Them

After decades of dealing with uptight women, backward bigots, control freaks, and fake liberals, man in small town realizes that the problem is not him, it's them.

Franklin spent much of his time just shutting up and being quiet about it, but then he got shut down one too many times by an ignorant local, and he then had an epiphany.

"Yeah, they're idiots. I guess I always knew it, but this last incident really brought it to light. They are proud Americans who believe you should work hard for pennies, watch your conduct around their women, and make sure you say and do the right thing...according to their blueprint. Slogans and 5-point plans abound as far as what they consider right...according to them. They believe in freedom...for some", Franklin confided in an interview at an undisclosed location.

The town-folk are friendly, openly-bigoted mullet-wearing half-wits, that control conversations and actions of residents that are dissident, with various forms of manipulations, talking over the top of people, snotty glares, and brush-offs. Alienation, some of them say, is their weapon of choice.

"I saw a guy who was very interested in women, and I gave him the 'you're a dangerous stalker' look, which put him in his place pronto", said local uptight feminist, Kimmie Tayback.

Franklin has decided after years of abuse that he'd like to plan a move soon.

"I'd like to live somewhere in which people actually mean it when they talk about freedom. I want to live somewhere in which every man with a sexual drive is not held under suspicion by the thought police. Also, I wouldn't mind living somewhere in which people actually care, without the liberal rhetoric; and I'd like to live somewhere in which people maybe are not backward bigots hiding behind identities and cliques. Hey, that's just me, I got my own ways!"

Photo credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonibirrer/

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Local Martial Artist Sets Out to Prove He is the Most Humble Man on Earth

Insisting that martial arts teaches respect and humility, Chad Hamburg, locally famous martial artist, has set out to knock out the competition in the field of being humble.

"I have become more humble than not only other martial artists, but I am more humble than all of humanity. It took me awhile, but I've really cultivated my superior humility. It is superior in the sense of being better than the humility of any other sentient creature on the planet," the incredibly well-proportioned and adept martial artist admitted.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinpoh/]

His students agree and also insist that Master Chad has special powers.

"He shoots powerful rays out of his fingers, can kill a man with a little tap of his index finger, and can throw you ten feet without touching you," confided long time student, Jimmy.

Hoping to break the record, Chad is currently showing how he really is modest about all of his incredible abilities and cares about his students, in spite of a few disenchanted detractors.

Some have claimed that in fact Chad is rigid in his thinking and believes that he and his style are better than all other styles from any part of the world. There has been no proof of this, and to prove he is humble about it, he has ignored the accusation.

"I don't listen to that allegation." Chad insisted.

Chad has constructed a special trophy of his accomplishment, it is the figure of martial artist brandishing two swords while balancing a homeless child on his knee.

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Superstar Iguana is Up to More Tomfoolery

Hip Hop and R and B superstar who, like so many superstars, only needs to go by one name -- Iguana -- has been up to much mischief as usual. The little brat is going around where cameras can catch her, posing in ways that, with just a little imagination, make you think something more exciting is going on.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/victoriahorton/]

In addition, her ex-boyfriend has taken up beating other women, having gotten tired of the attention Iguana was getting after he beat her up on countless occasions.

A percentage of the population doesn't really care what either of one of them are doing and never heard of them before.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rfduck/

 

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Fornica Touted as New Miracle Cure

Fornica Gel comes from the Fornica plant which is found in the forests of South America and used by North Africa tribes since the 1830s. It is currently being touted as the new ancient remedy, curing or treating a list of ailments long thought to be totally incurable. The following is what the miracle gel is used to treat:

Heals:

Erectile Dysfunction
Baldness
Patchy beard patterns
Cankles
Uni-brow

Used to treat (inconclusive evidence of effectiveness):

Constant meandering
Idle chatter
Inability to drive a vehicle correctly

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/uteart/]

While many are skeptical and scared of the natural remedy's effectiveness, others are testifying to its effectiveness.

"I used to never stop talking, used to go on and on, to anybody and everybody, about everything and anything, always and constantly, non-stop, ad nauseum, never-endingly talking and being repetitive, over and over again. Since I began using Fornica, in its handy gel form, I have a slight loss of hearing, but feel much better." Testimony of woman from Idaho, with 14 children.

The testimonies abound, but there have been warnings from many in the medical profession who don't appreciate neither the attention the plant is getting, nor the fact that pharmaceuticals are getting less attention.

"Prozac is still the number one drug I prescribe for many ailments. Fornica is nothing special."
Medical doctor in Louisiana, at state legislature committee hearing about the safety of the new health product.

While the debate continues, there is no doubt that hope has returned to a multitude of desperate and home-bound citizenry who can order the product from the Internet in a few easy steps.

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Girl Thinks Boyfriend's Idea is Stupid Until She Discovers Her BFF Likes It

Melissa admitted that she and Josh have been dating for a good 7 1/2 months, and she's grown to love, respect and resent him feverishly. Often his ideas are just plain stupid. Like this most recent one. She was certain it was another one of his idiotic ideas. Like, who cares?!

[Photo credit: By Pinkstar (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons]

Well, it seemed stupid. That is, until Julie heard the idea and LOVED IT!!!!

The two Best Friends For Life met to discuss what the stupid fat girls were doing that hang out at Grubbie's, the near-by fashion shop, when Melissa flippantly mentioned her moronic boyfriend's idiotic idea. Julie pondered a bit, then licked her index finger and touched air with it, simultaneously making a "sizzle" sound and saying, "HOT!"

Julie confided in Melissa that she thought Josh's idea was brilliant. The two girls began jumping and squealing with their hands waving frantically at their sides and then carefully gave each other double high-fives.

When Melissa went to Josh with the news, he smiled briefly, glared at Melissa and said, "Oh." At that point he remembered he'd been checking out Julie for a good two months now.

Melissa recently discovered multiple calls to Julie's number on Josh's cell phone.

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Mohandas Ghandi Back From the Dead to Become England's First East Indian Prime Minister

Turns out Ghandi has re-incarnated in the form of Jared Guatama, England's first East Indian Prime Minister. Met with much celebration, people cheered the progress England has made over the last century, from colonizer of India to elector of its liberator to its highest governmental post. Guatama credits much of his success, and his election to this high office, to the work of the reincarnation of 20th century's business public relations wizard Edward Bernays, whom Guatama had appointed as his campaign manager.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/7477245@N05/]

Critics of Prime Minister Guatama note his lack of fashion, still sporting his former life's hair-do, the shaven head, with adversaries saying the hair-style had come back in the 90s but lost favor during the current millennium. In addition, many critics charge and speculate that the new leader is indeed Hindu, which makes them generally suspicious, though they favor him over the new immigration trends coming from Muslim nations. Though, it seems to escape them that when you invade a country, they invade you back, in some form or another.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cheriejphotos/

Champions of the new leader are certain he is the reincarnation of Mahatma Ghandi, in spite of the fact that Mr. Guatama has already invaded several powerless countries, not so much following his former life's commitment to non-violence. In addition, as the country takes a nose-dive into economic dire straits, with people losing their jobs, losing unemployment benefits, moving into make-shift tent cities, and crowding charity offices in search of food, the Prime Minister has been bailing out banks, using advisers from Wall Street, and issuing executive orders to curb the use of kitchen utensils as weaponry. Some have wondered why emergency measures were not taken when the streets filled with homeless families and the food banks were swarmed.

Guatama has answered his critics, asserting, "You've got to make me do what you want me to do. The world is different now. My soul left the body of that old hero you followed close to a century ago; I might have gotten elected on his coat tails, but I can't be expected to emulate him in the current circumstances".

Currently the Prime Minister is working on a budget to ensure his wife can get her hair done prior to important political and diplomatic functions.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/goaliej54/

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The Best Rapper Alive. He Did It.

I'm the best, man. I did it.

And what I did was write a web article.

But there's someone else who's the best and what he did, man, was become an Internet sensation by astounding the Internet audience across the world with his finesse and lyrical skill and delivery.

His name is Eli, and he's the best. He did it.

[Photo credit: By Dom Brady from Atlanta, Georgia, United States (Attitude's Set) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Back in the early part of the millennium, at a spectacular rap battle at a high school, on the Iron Mic program, Eli stole the show with his flair and tactics on the microphone. He bewildered his opponent, named Envy, with a long pause that made the judges take notice. He also blasted his opponent by promptly stating that he was like "Rosie O'donnell at a bi-sexual bridal shower", probably the best line in Hip Hop history. What did it mean? Well, Rosie O'donnell would have a chance at scoring at a bi-sexual bridal shower, that's for sure. But probably she would be dumbfounded by the plethora of prospects. The joke was a double entendre, and the pause was strategic. He is a master.

Does he hate Rosie O'donnell? No. That's not the point.

The final blow was when Eli told Envy that he needed to stay in the shade and was already in the gay parade. Who would have thrown those words around like the wizard Eli? No one. No one but Eli.

Of course, others couldn't resist examining this meaningful and profound rap battle down to its core and essence. Here we see a fine but flawed interpretation.

That analysis is flawed because it contains a total misinterpretation of the "Rosie O'donnell at a bi-sexual bridal shower" line. The meaning of the line is not that she does not belong at the bridal shower but that she would be crazy trying to hook up with so many women whom she has a chance of impressing.

Of course, Eli had a chance to fully impress us and redeem himself from the unfair judgment he received at the original competition.

Eli roast ya like ever.

By Poppy Thomas-Hill (Flickr: Grilled Cheeseburger Patties) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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Wanna-be Gangsta Debates Wanna-be Hippy on Facebook

The battle thread was long and violent, comment after comment diverging drastically from the original post, both sides entrenched in their fake identities but valiantly fighting for issues they vaguely understood.

The battle took place between wanna-be Gangsta Tim C and wanna-be Hippy Peace and Love :). The smiley face is part of Peace and Love's user name. Here we present excerpts from the altercation, cutting it short and having edited it due to the extended length of the original thread.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/uberculture/]

Tim C: You betta check yo self befoe you reck yo self, G!

PaL :): Can't you see what you're doing? You can't go on like this. Peace is possible, brother. Don't attack me, bro!

Tim C: You started it, punk 6!t<h! We need guns, 6!t<h!

PaL :): We are One! Stop fighting, bro!

Tim C: I'll strate blast yo @55! Step off, 6!t<h!

At this point in the confrontation, Peace and Love scurried to Tim C's profile to look through his photo albums for a clue on how to get through to him and to find out how dangerous he actually is. Seeing an assortment of pictures of Tim C in saggy pants and backwards hats, displaying what could have been gang signs, Peace and Love quickly rushed back to the thread.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/vectorportal/

Tim C: 6!t<h! F@9! h0!

Tim: C: Punk!

PaL :): Can't you see you can't live this way?! You are destroying yourself! Why do you want to fight, bro?!



After several failed attempts by Peace and Love to enlighten Tim C, the thread tended to repeat the same messages. Tim C got on a webcam and tried his best to explain to his friends, with arms flailing and his fingers contorted in various positions, and simultaneously affecting a generic Hip Hop accent, that he just effed up some punk.

Meantime, Peace and Love ascended to new heights of Universal Brotherhood and Sisterhood, explaining to his own flock via Skype that he once again had enlightened another heart with his understanding and Ghandian philosophy.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/22280677@N07/

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McKenzie and Sloan Go at it Over Gun Control

   

[Disclosure: The author of this article has dozens, if not hundreds or thousands or millions of fans and followers across the globe. He is willing here to express how humbled he is by this response of readers and would like to express how humble he is about things generally. While his fame might be more or less equal to that of Mckenzie and Sloan, combined even, their fame has little to do with that of the author. The author has not taken a stance on gun control, but is interested in displaying objectively or sordidly the details of the debate as it has taken place on McKenzie's and/or Sloan's forums or, otherwise, platform(s). What follows is a detailed exposition of these events.]

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/people/campuspartymexico/]

Jean-Luc McKenzie, famed British talk-show host and journalist, has taken a strong stance on the issue of gun control in America. At the other end of this debate is Felix Sloan, notorious radio and Internet sensation and conspiracy theorist, who has on several occasions advocated the use of pepper spray against social workers inspecting child abuse on family farms. 

Well, the debate got heated one evening at the lonely and busy studio of the Network News Syndicate at which McKenzie hosts his show, The Fire Brand. Sloan openly called for revolution should the government wrest gun owners' rights and McKenzie shot back with facts about how kids get killed with every manner of gun, including those that shoot real fast. McKenzie accused Sloan of being paranoid, at which point Sloan shot back, "I know you are, but what am I?" McKenzie at that point sat silently in the face of Sloan's question but, after a pause, changed the subject slightly.

Fisticuffs were close to being enacted, when finally Sloan broke down and cried, saying and confessing that his "Daddy" bought him his first gun, a semi-auto, which he keeps locked in a cabinet on the porch. McKenzie, ever stern, told Sloan he was living in the past and "Please, get yourself together, old boy!"

Sloan escaped out the back, watchful of security and other lurkers, keeping his pepper spray handy; on a YouTube video he confessed he did not bring any guns to the taping, but did have his usual assortment of pepper spray tucked in his sock, taped under his hat, and under the strap of the tank top underneath his brand-new dress shirt. He also confided he was aware of the New York police's fondness for pepper spray during the protests over the past year or so, but said his brand could shoot a distance of 30 feet, which would give him the distance for both concealment and escape. 

McKenzie was not available for comment, but after the debacle with Sloan, interviewed famous civil rights and corporate attorney Mickey Goldman, both agreeing that Sloan is completely wrong and scary.

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Marv Lipton is at it Again: This Time Attacks Photographer

Well, macho action star Marv Lipton has become infamous for his drunken racist and homophobic rants which make comedian Michelle Picard seem mild-mannered with her racist outburst at the comedy club some time ago; but Marv has gone a step further by physically assaulting a photographer who commented on Lipton's sexy daughter, Minnie. I guess the pressure and constant tailing by Paparazzi finally got to Marv and he couldn't contain himself.

[Photo credit: Jon 'ShakataGaNai' Davis [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons]

Sources say Marv was coming out of a chic restaurant in downtown Manhattan when the horde of photographers and gossip journalists descended upon him and his 5th wife, Susie Sorenson, career mother and part-time socialite. As the couple left the restaurant, the flashes of cameras blinded them, and several reporters and photographers began shouting demands and questions. One photographer asked Lipton, "How's your sexy daughter?" and evidently that was enough to press the 45 year old star of 46 hit movies over the cliff. The photographer described the attack as a sudden and irrepressible torrent of steam and rage which felt like his head was put into a crackling bon-fire. Lipton described it as nothing special and thanked his body guards for holding the photographer still so he could finish giving him a "make-over".

Sorenson was so excited about the incident that the two are expecting their first born in 9 months or so.

By Christian Razukas from Honolulu, Hawaii, USA (Flickr) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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Former Porn Star and Evangelist Team Up For Romantic Comedy

Former porn star Sly Bone and current lesbian televangelist Margaret Mead have teamed up to star in a new movie called Mrs. Strangelove. We caught up with the unlikely duo on a break from filming to find out what brought them together for this year's feel good hit of the season.

[Photo credit:  By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons]

TCP: So, Sly, tell us how you went from pornography to romantic comedies in one swell foop....

Bone: Well, it's like this, my man. It's all the same. I bone a chick in a movie, we make a connection, see. We are feelin' it right up in there till the last drop. I aint....

Mead: Hardy-har-harrrr!

TCP: Miss Mead! Tell us how you felt working with a famous porn star in this new hit fuzzy-feeling smash of the New Year!

Mead: Well, it was really wonderful, and he's such a wonderful, good guy and all, and I just love him to bits. I couldn't always get his attention though, he seemed to be busy with the extras and the female staff all the time!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Bone: Yeah, that's right...

TCP: Now, we had heard, or got word of, you two actually meeting at the filming of one of Bone's movies. How did that come about?

Mead: My girlfriend is a fluffer who worked on one of Sly's movies and I went to watch her work. She was one of Sly's favorite fluffers and she just adores him. I can't tell you how much we really love this guy!

Bone: Okay, you're gonna make me BLUSH!!!!

Mead: I know, I'm gushing.

Bone: That's what she said!!!

Bone and Mead: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Just as we were getting to the good stuff, Sly Bone and Margaret Mead were called back to filming their upcoming hit movie, Mrs. Strangelove. We hope to catch up with them again when they are done with the film and it's become a huge hit. Until then, keep reaching for the stars, and keep your pants in the worsh.

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