Ted Nugent Praised as Greatest Comedian on the Scene

The nation is in awe of the great comedy of former rocker Ted Nugent.

"That's what he does, right? Comedy?" asked devoted and recent fan, Joey Briswell.

His most recent antic was at the State of the Union address, refusing to stand in support of troops abroad and later claiming it was because of his bad knees.

"Classic stuff!" exclaimed Nugent lover, Maureen Daudling. "I mean, the guy who makes excuses for everything! Love that schtick!"

While he has all appearances of being wacky and cornball, a total wing-nut, people are praising him for his political satire.

"He wants to kill everybody! Funny stuff!" Joey praises.

The last time the nation exploded in uproarious laughter at one of his major comedy routines was when he had an outburst directed at a news reporter and later blamed it on kidney stones.

"Just hilarious! Blaming his mental problems on physical ailments! It doesn't get any better than that!" Maureen chuckled.

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Because It's Valentine's Day Woman Who Usually Snubs Guys Has Decided to Be Open to Them

Though she has made it a practice to degrade and judge men who are interested in her, routinely giving them snotty glares and the brush-off, following the marketing and holiday tradition, she has decided to be open to guys who are interested in her on Valentine's Day.

"It was really a surprise. I smiled at her and usually she gives me that look of hate and looks away, but today she smiled back and said Hi," says Frank, one of her college classmates.

She wore red today, a rather seductive short dress and bright high heels. Unavoidably, many men noticed her and when they did, this time around she smiled and winked.

Some have speculated that she really just wants to get laid, and that most women do on Valentine's Day. While detractors claim that she usually feels that way, meaning she usually wants to get laid, but is acutely aware of a cultural taboo against it. However, the men who have been interested in her for years are grateful that she seems to have made a complete recovery from her harsh and alienating ways. What they seem unaware of is that after Valentine's Day, she reverts back to judging and snubbing them and the cycle continues again.

At press time, she got a date with Frank, who has already picked out a box of candy and flowers, while she has already put on her red lace panties, and they are going out to dinner.

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/lifeofvictoria/

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Man in Small Town Realizes It's Not Him, It's Them

After decades of dealing with uptight women, backward bigots, control freaks, and fake liberals, man in small town realizes that the problem is not him, it's them.

Franklin spent much of his time just shutting up and being quiet about it, but then he got shut down one too many times by an ignorant local, and he then had an epiphany.

"Yeah, they're idiots. I guess I always knew it, but this last incident really brought it to light. They are proud Americans who believe you should work hard for pennies, watch your conduct around their women, and make sure you say and do the right thing...according to their blueprint. Slogans and 5-point plans abound as far as what they consider right...according to them. They believe in freedom...for some", Franklin confided in an interview at an undisclosed location.

The town-folk are friendly, openly-bigoted mullet-wearing half-wits, that control conversations and actions of residents that are dissident, with various forms of manipulations, talking over the top of people, snotty glares, and brush-offs. Alienation, some of them say, is their weapon of choice.

"I saw a guy who was very interested in women, and I gave him the 'you're a dangerous stalker' look, which put him in his place pronto", said local uptight feminist, Kimmie Tayback.

Franklin has decided after years of abuse that he'd like to plan a move soon.

"I'd like to live somewhere in which people actually mean it when they talk about freedom. I want to live somewhere in which every man with a sexual drive is not held under suspicion by the thought police. Also, I wouldn't mind living somewhere in which people actually care, without the liberal rhetoric; and I'd like to live somewhere in which people maybe are not backward bigots hiding behind identities and cliques. Hey, that's just me, I got my own ways!"

Photo credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/tonibirrer/

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Local Martial Artist Sets Out to Prove He is the Most Humble Man on Earth

Insisting that martial arts teaches respect and humility, Chad Hamburg, locally famous martial artist, has set out to knock out the competition in the field of being humble.

"I have become more humble than not only other martial artists, but I am more humble than all of humanity. It took me awhile, but I've really cultivated my superior humility. It is superior in the sense of being better than the humility of any other sentient creature on the planet," the incredibly well-proportioned and adept martial artist admitted.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinpoh/]

His students agree and also insist that Master Chad has special powers.

"He shoots powerful rays out of his fingers, can kill a man with a little tap of his index finger, and can throw you ten feet without touching you," confided long time student, Jimmy.

Hoping to break the record, Chad is currently showing how he really is modest about all of his incredible abilities and cares about his students, in spite of a few disenchanted detractors.

Some have claimed that in fact Chad is rigid in his thinking and believes that he and his style are better than all other styles from any part of the world. There has been no proof of this, and to prove he is humble about it, he has ignored the accusation.

"I don't listen to that allegation." Chad insisted.

Chad has constructed a special trophy of his accomplishment, it is the figure of martial artist brandishing two swords while balancing a homeless child on his knee.

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