Superstar Iguana is Up to More Tomfoolery

Hip Hop and R and B superstar who, like so many superstars, only needs to go by one name -- Iguana -- has been up to much mischief as usual. The little brat is going around where cameras can catch her, posing in ways that, with just a little imagination, make you think something more exciting is going on.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/victoriahorton/]

In addition, her ex-boyfriend has taken up beating other women, having gotten tired of the attention Iguana was getting after he beat her up on countless occasions.

A percentage of the population doesn't really care what either of one of them are doing and never heard of them before.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rfduck/

 

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Fornica Touted as New Miracle Cure

Fornica Gel comes from the Fornica plant which is found in the forests of South America and used by North Africa tribes since the 1830s. It is currently being touted as the new ancient remedy, curing or treating a list of ailments long thought to be totally incurable. The following is what the miracle gel is used to treat:

Heals:

Erectile Dysfunction
Baldness
Patchy beard patterns
Cankles
Uni-brow

Used to treat (inconclusive evidence of effectiveness):

Constant meandering
Idle chatter
Inability to drive a vehicle correctly

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/uteart/]

While many are skeptical and scared of the natural remedy's effectiveness, others are testifying to its effectiveness.

"I used to never stop talking, used to go on and on, to anybody and everybody, about everything and anything, always and constantly, non-stop, ad nauseum, never-endingly talking and being repetitive, over and over again. Since I began using Fornica, in its handy gel form, I have a slight loss of hearing, but feel much better." Testimony of woman from Idaho, with 14 children.

The testimonies abound, but there have been warnings from many in the medical profession who don't appreciate neither the attention the plant is getting, nor the fact that pharmaceuticals are getting less attention.

"Prozac is still the number one drug I prescribe for many ailments. Fornica is nothing special."
Medical doctor in Louisiana, at state legislature committee hearing about the safety of the new health product.

While the debate continues, there is no doubt that hope has returned to a multitude of desperate and home-bound citizenry who can order the product from the Internet in a few easy steps.

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Girl Thinks Boyfriend's Idea is Stupid Until She Discovers Her BFF Likes It

Melissa admitted that she and Josh have been dating for a good 7 1/2 months, and she's grown to love, respect and resent him feverishly. Often his ideas are just plain stupid. Like this most recent one. She was certain it was another one of his idiotic ideas. Like, who cares?!

[Photo credit: By Pinkstar (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons]

Well, it seemed stupid. That is, until Julie heard the idea and LOVED IT!!!!

The two Best Friends For Life met to discuss what the stupid fat girls were doing that hang out at Grubbie's, the near-by fashion shop, when Melissa flippantly mentioned her moronic boyfriend's idiotic idea. Julie pondered a bit, then licked her index finger and touched air with it, simultaneously making a "sizzle" sound and saying, "HOT!"

Julie confided in Melissa that she thought Josh's idea was brilliant. The two girls began jumping and squealing with their hands waving frantically at their sides and then carefully gave each other double high-fives.

When Melissa went to Josh with the news, he smiled briefly, glared at Melissa and said, "Oh." At that point he remembered he'd been checking out Julie for a good two months now.

Melissa recently discovered multiple calls to Julie's number on Josh's cell phone.

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Mohandas Ghandi Back From the Dead to Become England's First East Indian Prime Minister

Turns out Ghandi has re-incarnated in the form of Jared Guatama, England's first East Indian Prime Minister. Met with much celebration, people cheered the progress England has made over the last century, from colonizer of India to elector of its liberator to its highest governmental post. Guatama credits much of his success, and his election to this high office, to the work of the reincarnation of 20th century's business public relations wizard Edward Bernays, whom Guatama had appointed as his campaign manager.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/7477245@N05/]

Critics of Prime Minister Guatama note his lack of fashion, still sporting his former life's hair-do, the shaven head, with adversaries saying the hair-style had come back in the 90s but lost favor during the current millennium. In addition, many critics charge and speculate that the new leader is indeed Hindu, which makes them generally suspicious, though they favor him over the new immigration trends coming from Muslim nations. Though, it seems to escape them that when you invade a country, they invade you back, in some form or another.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cheriejphotos/

Champions of the new leader are certain he is the reincarnation of Mahatma Ghandi, in spite of the fact that Mr. Guatama has already invaded several powerless countries, not so much following his former life's commitment to non-violence. In addition, as the country takes a nose-dive into economic dire straits, with people losing their jobs, losing unemployment benefits, moving into make-shift tent cities, and crowding charity offices in search of food, the Prime Minister has been bailing out banks, using advisers from Wall Street, and issuing executive orders to curb the use of kitchen utensils as weaponry. Some have wondered why emergency measures were not taken when the streets filled with homeless families and the food banks were swarmed.

Guatama has answered his critics, asserting, "You've got to make me do what you want me to do. The world is different now. My soul left the body of that old hero you followed close to a century ago; I might have gotten elected on his coat tails, but I can't be expected to emulate him in the current circumstances".

Currently the Prime Minister is working on a budget to ensure his wife can get her hair done prior to important political and diplomatic functions.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/goaliej54/

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The Best Rapper Alive. He Did It.

I'm the best, man. I did it.

And what I did was write a web article.

But there's someone else who's the best and what he did, man, was become an Internet sensation by astounding the Internet audience across the world with his finesse and lyrical skill and delivery.

His name is Eli, and he's the best. He did it.

[Photo credit: By Dom Brady from Atlanta, Georgia, United States (Attitude's Set) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Back in the early part of the millennium, at a spectacular rap battle at a high school, on the Iron Mic program, Eli stole the show with his flair and tactics on the microphone. He bewildered his opponent, named Envy, with a long pause that made the judges take notice. He also blasted his opponent by promptly stating that he was like "Rosie O'donnell at a bi-sexual bridal shower", probably the best line in Hip Hop history. What did it mean? Well, Rosie O'donnell would have a chance at scoring at a bi-sexual bridal shower, that's for sure. But probably she would be dumbfounded by the plethora of prospects. The joke was a double entendre, and the pause was strategic. He is a master.

Does he hate Rosie O'donnell? No. That's not the point.

The final blow was when Eli told Envy that he needed to stay in the shade and was already in the gay parade. Who would have thrown those words around like the wizard Eli? No one. No one but Eli.

Of course, others couldn't resist examining this meaningful and profound rap battle down to its core and essence. Here we see a fine but flawed interpretation.

That analysis is flawed because it contains a total misinterpretation of the "Rosie O'donnell at a bi-sexual bridal shower" line. The meaning of the line is not that she does not belong at the bridal shower but that she would be crazy trying to hook up with so many women whom she has a chance of impressing.

Of course, Eli had a chance to fully impress us and redeem himself from the unfair judgment he received at the original competition.

Eli roast ya like ever.

By Poppy Thomas-Hill (Flickr: Grilled Cheeseburger Patties) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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Wanna-be Gangsta Debates Wanna-be Hippy on Facebook

The battle thread was long and violent, comment after comment diverging drastically from the original post, both sides entrenched in their fake identities but valiantly fighting for issues they vaguely understood.

The battle took place between wanna-be Gangsta Tim C and wanna-be Hippy Peace and Love :). The smiley face is part of Peace and Love's user name. Here we present excerpts from the altercation, cutting it short and having edited it due to the extended length of the original thread.

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/uberculture/]

Tim C: You betta check yo self befoe you reck yo self, G!

PaL :): Can't you see what you're doing? You can't go on like this. Peace is possible, brother. Don't attack me, bro!

Tim C: You started it, punk 6!t<h! We need guns, 6!t<h!

PaL :): We are One! Stop fighting, bro!

Tim C: I'll strate blast yo @55! Step off, 6!t<h!

At this point in the confrontation, Peace and Love scurried to Tim C's profile to look through his photo albums for a clue on how to get through to him and to find out how dangerous he actually is. Seeing an assortment of pictures of Tim C in saggy pants and backwards hats, displaying what could have been gang signs, Peace and Love quickly rushed back to the thread.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/vectorportal/

Tim C: 6!t<h! F@9! h0!

Tim: C: Punk!

PaL :): Can't you see you can't live this way?! You are destroying yourself! Why do you want to fight, bro?!



After several failed attempts by Peace and Love to enlighten Tim C, the thread tended to repeat the same messages. Tim C got on a webcam and tried his best to explain to his friends, with arms flailing and his fingers contorted in various positions, and simultaneously affecting a generic Hip Hop accent, that he just effed up some punk.

Meantime, Peace and Love ascended to new heights of Universal Brotherhood and Sisterhood, explaining to his own flock via Skype that he once again had enlightened another heart with his understanding and Ghandian philosophy.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/22280677@N07/

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McKenzie and Sloan Go at it Over Gun Control

   

[Disclosure: The author of this article has dozens, if not hundreds or thousands or millions of fans and followers across the globe. He is willing here to express how humbled he is by this response of readers and would like to express how humble he is about things generally. While his fame might be more or less equal to that of Mckenzie and Sloan, combined even, their fame has little to do with that of the author. The author has not taken a stance on gun control, but is interested in displaying objectively or sordidly the details of the debate as it has taken place on McKenzie's and/or Sloan's forums or, otherwise, platform(s). What follows is a detailed exposition of these events.]

[Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/people/campuspartymexico/]

Jean-Luc McKenzie, famed British talk-show host and journalist, has taken a strong stance on the issue of gun control in America. At the other end of this debate is Felix Sloan, notorious radio and Internet sensation and conspiracy theorist, who has on several occasions advocated the use of pepper spray against social workers inspecting child abuse on family farms. 

Well, the debate got heated one evening at the lonely and busy studio of the Network News Syndicate at which McKenzie hosts his show, The Fire Brand. Sloan openly called for revolution should the government wrest gun owners' rights and McKenzie shot back with facts about how kids get killed with every manner of gun, including those that shoot real fast. McKenzie accused Sloan of being paranoid, at which point Sloan shot back, "I know you are, but what am I?" McKenzie at that point sat silently in the face of Sloan's question but, after a pause, changed the subject slightly.

Fisticuffs were close to being enacted, when finally Sloan broke down and cried, saying and confessing that his "Daddy" bought him his first gun, a semi-auto, which he keeps locked in a cabinet on the porch. McKenzie, ever stern, told Sloan he was living in the past and "Please, get yourself together, old boy!"

Sloan escaped out the back, watchful of security and other lurkers, keeping his pepper spray handy; on a YouTube video he confessed he did not bring any guns to the taping, but did have his usual assortment of pepper spray tucked in his sock, taped under his hat, and under the strap of the tank top underneath his brand-new dress shirt. He also confided he was aware of the New York police's fondness for pepper spray during the protests over the past year or so, but said his brand could shoot a distance of 30 feet, which would give him the distance for both concealment and escape. 

McKenzie was not available for comment, but after the debacle with Sloan, interviewed famous civil rights and corporate attorney Mickey Goldman, both agreeing that Sloan is completely wrong and scary.

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Marv Lipton is at it Again: This Time Attacks Photographer

Well, macho action star Marv Lipton has become infamous for his drunken racist and homophobic rants which make comedian Michelle Picard seem mild-mannered with her racist outburst at the comedy club some time ago; but Marv has gone a step further by physically assaulting a photographer who commented on Lipton's sexy daughter, Minnie. I guess the pressure and constant tailing by Paparazzi finally got to Marv and he couldn't contain himself.

[Photo credit: Jon 'ShakataGaNai' Davis [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons]

Sources say Marv was coming out of a chic restaurant in downtown Manhattan when the horde of photographers and gossip journalists descended upon him and his 5th wife, Susie Sorenson, career mother and part-time socialite. As the couple left the restaurant, the flashes of cameras blinded them, and several reporters and photographers began shouting demands and questions. One photographer asked Lipton, "How's your sexy daughter?" and evidently that was enough to press the 45 year old star of 46 hit movies over the cliff. The photographer described the attack as a sudden and irrepressible torrent of steam and rage which felt like his head was put into a crackling bon-fire. Lipton described it as nothing special and thanked his body guards for holding the photographer still so he could finish giving him a "make-over".

Sorenson was so excited about the incident that the two are expecting their first born in 9 months or so.

By Christian Razukas from Honolulu, Hawaii, USA (Flickr) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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Former Porn Star and Evangelist Team Up For Romantic Comedy

Former porn star Sly Bone and current lesbian televangelist Margaret Mead have teamed up to star in a new movie called Mrs. Strangelove. We caught up with the unlikely duo on a break from filming to find out what brought them together for this year's feel good hit of the season.

[Photo credit:  By Luke Ford [CC-BY-SA-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons]

TCP: So, Sly, tell us how you went from pornography to romantic comedies in one swell foop....

Bone: Well, it's like this, my man. It's all the same. I bone a chick in a movie, we make a connection, see. We are feelin' it right up in there till the last drop. I aint....

Mead: Hardy-har-harrrr!

TCP: Miss Mead! Tell us how you felt working with a famous porn star in this new hit fuzzy-feeling smash of the New Year!

Mead: Well, it was really wonderful, and he's such a wonderful, good guy and all, and I just love him to bits. I couldn't always get his attention though, he seemed to be busy with the extras and the female staff all the time!!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Bone: Yeah, that's right...

TCP: Now, we had heard, or got word of, you two actually meeting at the filming of one of Bone's movies. How did that come about?

Mead: My girlfriend is a fluffer who worked on one of Sly's movies and I went to watch her work. She was one of Sly's favorite fluffers and she just adores him. I can't tell you how much we really love this guy!

Bone: Okay, you're gonna make me BLUSH!!!!

Mead: I know, I'm gushing.

Bone: That's what she said!!!

Bone and Mead: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Just as we were getting to the good stuff, Sly Bone and Margaret Mead were called back to filming their upcoming hit movie, Mrs. Strangelove. We hope to catch up with them again when they are done with the film and it's become a huge hit. Until then, keep reaching for the stars, and keep your pants in the worsh.

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