The editor of Cheeseburger Press cares a great deal about people and so therefore likes to throw out a lot of slogans and cliches to help them. Here in this feature we will be presenting gems, as often as possible, straight from the half-functioning brain of the editor himself.
Laugh like the joke wasn't funny. Dance like the beat sucks. Learn like you're continually distracted. Love like you are in an abusive relationship that you can't escape. Live like you're in a concentration camp.
By PJL (Own work) [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html), CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/) or CC-BY-2.5 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.5)], via Wikimedia Commons
Group of people livin' the dream. By woodley wonderworks [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
Frank Vickerson knows his friends are having a good time almost every minute of their lives. He knows this because they keep telling him this via their Facebook status updates.
"Drinkin' whiskey and eatin' mashed potatoes! I'm livin' the dream!"
Group of mostly women, livin' the dream. Bennett, Flickr. Some rights reserved.
Yet another friend, seemingly contradictory, gives mixed messages about his dream, though apparently he's still "livin' it".
"Worked 12 hours straight, I'm totally exhausted and brain-dead, so I'm getting sloshed. I'm livin' the dream!"
This seemingly mundane activity, meant to appeal to those with a foot fetish, is a form of livin' the dream. burkhard55, deviantART. Some rights reserved.
Many have come to the conclusion that it only just takes one bit of superficial, but magical, activity to turn life into a dream fulfilled. Many status updates on Facebook reflect this seemingly impossible fact.
Frank admits it doesn't make sense to him. Candidly he said that he thinks his friends are either very confused and stupid or have a wicked sarcastic sense of humor.
A couple women getting ready to go out on a girls night out, an activity closely related to "livin' the dream". MagdaleneSobeck, deviantART. Some rights reserved.
First of all, it's a lot of work. Bowel movements. That is a lot of time and energy that could be put to better use. And you waste a lot of waste. Why let go of anything that you could hold on to?
Probably many of you are thinking it's not possible. Anything's possible. We all have dreams and you can make your dreams happen. To prove it to you, I'm going to let you know exactly how I did it.
Whenever I've had the urge to have a bowel movement, I just think about something else. Easy as that. For instance, I think about riding a little tricycle.
If the little tricycle mind trick doesn't work, I think about bouncing around on a pogo stick while wearing a beanie with a propeller.
I clench up real tight-like. Works.
So, as with most things, it's a matter of using the mind and self-control. You have it in you and you can do it.
You never want to find yourself doing this again. By Original author: Rama, Vectorisation: Fred the Oyster (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-2.0-fr (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/fr/deed.en)], via Wikimedia Commons
And all day Wednesday, he thought it was Thursday.
Almost time to eat turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie, and Franklin Robertson still thinks and believes it to be Halloween time.
Soon it will be Christmas and Robertson will think it is Thanksgiving.
He was dressed up in his Halloween costume tonight, waiting for the big party, hoping to see girls in cheerleader outfits and dressed as sexy pirates.
Meantime he had his old-school beer drinking hat on from the 80s, with the cans of beer on his head and the tubes in his mouth, drinking down the smooth and frothy suds.
So, what is it about squirrels? Why are they so horrible? We all
know that they are, but hardly anyone will seriously answer the
question as to why they are so horrendous. I will tackle this issue
with precision and timing.
They Only Eat Nuts
Yep. Only nuts. That's dumb. Why? Because I can't see why they
can't have a Cheeto Cheese Puff once in awhile.
Is that all you want your diet to be? One thing? Just pork chops?
Doesn't make sense.
Dark and sinister, you just can't trust
them.
They practically live in trees
Not all the time, but much of the time they are in the trees.
They come down out of there periodically to beg for food. Which is
another reason they're worthless. They aren't productive and all
they do is eat...nuts.
I know what you are thinking: Well, other animals live in trees.
Like monkeys.
Well, monkeys don't just eat nuts, so figure that one out.
They Fight Too Much
I've seen it. They chase another squirrel around a tree, looking
stupid, and none of us know why they're doing it.
They Don't Care About You
They're not much help. I was moving my friend's couch the other
day, and the squirrels at the apartment complex didn't do anything
but crack their nuts.
I've been taking care of my aging Mom too, and the squirrels do
nothing.
Worthless.
Do I Have a Point?
Yes, I do.
I hate squirrels.
I don't really care if you think they're cute. You like their
tails, the way they demolish nutshells, and you like watching them
jump from the trees.
Big deal.
I don't like them.
They're losers.
I really don't need to explain it to anybody.
Why Is He Harassing This Snake? Can You Tell Me That?
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